My Candid Opinion About the Question “What Do You Bring to the Table?”
Forget the table — let’s talk about what really matters
“What do you bring to the table?” This question is often posed by men to women. You will hear it on YouTube, find it on Facebook, and probably on IG and X, but I wouldn’t know.
I haven’t heard it on Pop The Balloon yet, but I’m sure it’ll come up one of these days. It may be the most popular question women get asked. I would have to check the data on that, but it also sounds like a wise thing to ask. Is it?
“I’m the table.” A darling reply by women exhausted by the sheer audacity of the question. Why is this even important now? After all these years. Why do men want to know now? How, why, and when did it become so important to men?
I could say women started saying they were at the table because that particular answer was indirectly endorsed by the legendary Steve Harvey. If I remember correctly, he’s offered passionate reasons why it’s a bad question to ask.
I have always found that question to be uncalled for. If you have to ask a partner — woman or man — what he or she brings to the table, then he or she is not the one for you. It’s as simple as that, and I’ll go ahead and explain myself in the subsequent paragraphs.
How in the name of my ex-girlfriend do you expect an honest answer?
“Much outcry, little outcome.” — Aesop’s Fables
Do you expect an honest answer when you ask a potential partner that question? When did we get to this stage in human history where we assume people will be brutally truthful with us? If the person you questioned is wildly interested in you or is desperate to be in a relationship, they’ll definitely tell you what you want to hear.
It’s like what job seekers will do to interview questions. They have been coached on exactly what to say if the interviewer asks, “What are your flaws?” They’re likely to say they have what I call “positive shortcomings.”
“Oh, I don’t know how to stop giving my all.”
“Oh, I work too hard to get the desired results. Until then, I don’t know when to stop. My doctor has always complained about my work ethic.”
If any of that sounds too self-righteous, you could always say, “I feel that I’m a flawed person one hundred percent of the time. My flaws aren’t what make me exceptional. It’s human to be like that. To be able to work beyond that disadvantage, meet deadlines, and deliver impeccably shows even my humanity has no power over me.”
It sounds amazing and maybe a little difficult to understand, but it’s a clap-worthy response. Would earn whoever said that a job. Every employer loves a hard worker. Although it’s probably what some recruiters may be looking for, that doesn’t mean it’s honest.
Now, bring this concept into the subject of relationships, and the same thing can happen when you ask a potential partner who wants you or wants to be in a relationship that question.
They may say, “I will bring submissiveness and fidelity to my man. There will be a home-cooked meal waiting for him when he comes back from work. If he wants something extra, I’ll give him an extra large.” And the men say she’s amazing. Some women say she’s a pick-me.
I say she’s a clever woman trying to get what she wants. Her answer to the question is what he wanted to hear. I mean, c’mon, if she isn’t even interested in the man asking that question, there’s a camera on her. Do you know the number of opportunities that will open up to her just for answering like that?
It’s the same way when she answers, “I’m the table.” She will appease a certain audience, although provoking others. She knows her answer can give her a certain result. Naturally, she’s less likely to want a negative outcome.
Also, just being around her friends when that question is posed will determine the answer she gives. Around her dad or mom, the answer may be the same, slightly or entirely different. Sometimes, her answer may even be rebellious — challenging the patriarchy.
Don’t rely too much on words if that question is important to you. Just because they said they’ll bring the world to the table doesn’t mean that’s exactly what they’ll do. The world can’t fit on a table. If it’s too good to be true, it’s exactly that. Just because their answer sounded rude doesn’t mean that’s what they will offer.
People will say anything for an outcome that they believe is beneficial to them. Beneficial either in the long or short term. Human behaviour is too unpredictable to think an answer like that is enough to give you an idea of the suitability of a partner.
Only you can decide what you find valuable
“You may be a treasure,” quoth Master Cock, “to men that prize you, but for me, I would rather have a single barleycorn than a peck of pearls.” Precious things are for those that [sic] can prize them. — Aesop’s Fables
Value is subjective. What you consider valuable may be of no significance to another person. Think about it: a bag of gold will be of no value to a person lost in the desert. They will prefer a tank of water instead.
That’s why someone telling you what they bring to the table is unimportant.What you need is to identify what you want them to bring to the table. Is what they’re offering valuable to you? We all want different things in our partners.
I want a woman who reads, exercises, is respectful to me and everyone, is supportive and faithful, loves food, sex, and travelling and is a great conversationalist. That’s what I want her to bring to the table.
I have friends who won’t like that their woman is always going to the gym, and a woman who reads wouldn’t even make their list. “Evidently so,” if she wants to talk about Moby Dick, she would be surprised to know he hasn’t even read Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.
Some people like big this and wide that. In my country, Ghana, plump women are treasured. They are the queens here. Ghanaian men love them. The culture is different elsewhere, and the list of what is valuable and thus preferred is endless.
So why would anyone meet someone for the first time and, without getting to know them on a deeper level, ask a question like, “What do you bring to the table?”
If you know what you want, you won’t ask what someone’s offering. Whatever they have to offer will be complementary.
In my experience, relationships aren’t solely successful because of what each party has to offer but the work they are mutually willing to put in. And the compromises and sacrifices they’re willing to make. Action and duty take precedence over words when it comes to relationships.
What do you want?
“It is not only fine feathers that make fine birds.” — Aesop’s Fables
Sometimes, you think you want something, and then you meet someone who shows you something you didn’t even think you’d love so much. It’s not limiting to have an idea of what you want, but you need to be open and flexible to experience other possibilities. And I promise you there are many of those.
Relationships aren’t like business deals and contracts. They are so much more. For instance, while you want to make sure you get what you want, you also have to be able to give your partner what they want. It has to be reciprocal but selfless. It has to be mutual but understanding.
Value isn’t like fine feathers, blue eyes, six figures and a 7.5-inch record-breaking girth where the sun doesn't shine. So if by the statement “I am the table” someone was trying to talk about their physique (or financial achievements) and how its aesthetic is all their partner needs, they are overestimating the value of their attractiveness. I hope that is not the case.
Maybe both of you should be too in love to care
“Love can tame the wildest.” — Aesop’s Fables
I wish we’d go back to those days when people fell in love first and foremost and figured out who takes out the trash later. We had long-lasting relationships back then, too. People got married, had kids and showed up for each other before they talked about furniture. There’s nothing wrong with building on that tradition.
I know men rarely get asked what they bring to the table. People believe that’s because a man’s role as a provider is clear-cut in a heterosexual relationship. This question may seem legitimate, but when you look at it profoundly, it is unfair to both men and women.
That’s because it assumes people need to have an expressible intrinsic value that they bring to a relationship. If they can’t articulate that value, then they aren’t an ideal partner. It doesn’t take into account whether or not people will actually do or mean what they say.
People can’t be held accountable for their answers to this question. Who will check? No one. So that would let people say what they feel is agreeable.
To have the best possible partner, we all need to know what we find valuable in a partner. It has to be realistic, but it’s for us to decide whether to be compromising or not. We also need to understand that this question is nothing but a social media gimmick. It was meant to create viral and clickworthy content.
The right question we should ask is, “What do I bring to the table? Will the partner I want find that valuable?” Maybe they will be too in love and mature to care.
Maybe we should do the things we have control over. And our partners will also do theirs if we are important to them. That’s another possibility.