Do Not Count Feral Chickens Before They Are Hatched
A humour poem
This poem was originally published on Medium.
There is a handful of noisy wild chickens in my backyard.
They have the backyard to themselves.
And although pig-headed goats and semi-stray dogs come there occasionally,
it’s theirs most of the time.
They feed there
raise their chicks there
fight there, vote there, make more babies there
Never seen them bathe there though
Mum said that’s because they don’t bathe
Jeff said wild chickens bathe only when it rains
But as much as I’ve tried
I’ve never seen a single one of them bathe in the rain.
I’d find through a Google search that they dust bathe.
So they use water only for drinking and water fasting
I guess that explains why they’re so athletic
There is a handful of noisy feral chickens in my backyard.
Not that they are confined to my backyard
They have the whole neighbourhood to themselves
So they have the whole neighbourhood to disturb.
It’s funny how everyone’s tolerant of them
than they are of the president.
It’s like people don’t care a lot about your nastiness
if they can eat you.
The feral cocks will wake you up even if you’re woke
They’ll poop on your veranda, on your ego, and on your poop.
They poop so much Jeff literally fasted and prayed
they’d be constipated
But what’s even worse is they’ll f — k right in front of you
As if their feral chicken lives depend on it!
But no one ever feels it just too much
because they’re delicious.
There is a growing population of horny feral chickens in my backyard!
Obviously because mum won’t stop feeding them!
Or maybe they eat everything we throw away
or throw at them
Father says they’re like us: omnivores!
Except Jeff believes he saw one that tried eating its own legs.
So it’s either they’re cannibals or demon birds from Satan’s farm.
Now, there are videos on YouTube about the feral chicken problem
The solutions are many, from giving them birth control pills,
deporting them back to hell, denying them visa,
imprisoning delinquent cocks who chase after reluctant hens
showing them that recreational sex
or total abstinence from sex is a great idea.
But I think the absolute solution is simply natural predators
Like hawks or our neighbours.
THERE IS AN ANNOYING POPULATION OF LAWLESS FERAL CHICKENS IN MY BACKSIDE
Seriously that’s how it feels now
like a kick in the backside!
and they dig holes!
Oh you should see the holes they dig!
portals for other feral chickens
to enter from the multiverse: those holes.
That’s the only explanation for that quick population increase.
Just last week it was only fifteen of them
Now it’s fifteen thousand of them
And each of them has a pair of legs — scaly legs
That’s thirty thousand legs
Or lots of feral chicken legs if you don’t know feral chicken maths
You should feel something if they all kick your backside.
And they’re always running!
Why are they always running?
There’s a nation of annoying feral chickens who accommodate my family
At least until we can find another country
Occasionally, you’d see actual chickens settle down with them
As I am familiar with the wild ones,
I am able to tell them apart easily.
You see, feral chickens can drive
Actual chickens are the reason you ask,
Why did the chicken cross the road?”
Actual chickens, like all of us, sleep
Feral chickens don’t.
They climb under your bed
Chase the monsters away
Become the resident monster
Put invisible earbuds in your ears
Connect the earbuds to their phones
I could go on. But yes!
They crow you out of your sleep every single night!
There’s a …
My neighbours call them household chickens
And they call actual chickens European or foreign chicken
It’s a concept that’s not understandable if you’re a foreigner in our country
You’ll wonder whether your colleagues bore aircraft
with chickens in their suitcases.
and abandoned those chickens upon entry into the country.
Chicken abandonment, they’d call it, if it was an actual thing.
Foreign chickens are what they sell in our supermarkets and restaurants
No one sells household chickens?
If you’d like to eat some household chicken
KFC, Papaye, or the malls and marts don’t have that?
Quick-hands Kofi Mick McChicken has that though
Dude is famous for the proverb,
“Do not count household chickens before they are hatched,
they could get hitched.”
He is feared by man, and feral chickens alike.
Feared by man because, at his leisure, he can run after,
swim after, hop after, crawl after, teleport after, hypnotise or catch
and come into possession of their household chickens.
Feared by feral chickens because he doesn’t acquire them for entertainment purposes.
However way you may see Quick-hands Kofi Mick McChicken
He proudly considers himself an outstanding household chicken merchant.
There’s a host of radical feral chickens who thrive in spite of this world’s Kofi Mick McChickens
And I think it’s safe to say that my backyard is their headquarters.
Did you know that feral cocks like peacocks,
make fake sex sounds to attract hens’ attention?
Jeff says it’s fake food discovery sounds but we agree on their intent
because those cocks are so horny
you’d think they’re descendants of Testosterone Rex.
And you can easily see which feral cock gets the most hens.
Listen, the feral chicken nation is no place for regular cocks
Basically they get no hens,
Could have sworn I caught a regular thrusting into the ground
That’s how they release sexual tension if you know what I mean
Because they get no hens
I know, I know! Who wouldn’t think every cock gets a go
given how quick the feral chicken population is increasing
But believe me it’s always just that
One. Crazy. Horny. Alpha. Feral. Cock.
He’s got all the hens a cock could ever wish for.
Now that brings us to what my neighbours do about this:
Normally the other regulars are ‘laid off’ if you catch the drift
Mostly, hens never get eaten!
Because they’re not as annoying as cocks
And I think everyone knows if one alpha dude can get the job done
Why keep all the other noisy dudes around?
There’s a countless herd of overly fertile feral chickens in my backyard
And although presently I don’t have the proper equipment
to conduct an accurate count
I am of the view that you do not count feral chickens
before they are hatched
because guess what? Those guys’ eggs can hatch twins and triplets
Don’t count feral chickens before they are hatched
Because the hens get to live a full life — only the regular boys get laid off
Never, ever count feral chickens before they are hatched
Because that single horny alpha is fertile as hell
Must have astronomical balls even though we can’t see them
Oh please do not count feral chickens before they are hatched
Because those guys are intelligent
If you hear them speak long enough you start to understand their language
then you can tell when they’re happy, scared or sad
You can tell when a hen cheats on the alpha cock with a stray cat
or with another hen cause let’s face it
there aren’t any regular cocks around.
When you hear them speak long enough
You can tell when they’re about to go on a trip —
which they rarely do —
Or when Boo Boo the Fool tries to trespass
and take something from our house.
It’s like they have words for everything and that’s why they can’t shut up.